You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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