my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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