Joe is yelling at the trees again.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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