She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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