What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
