so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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