that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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