I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
