MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
