Define "chronic" masturbator.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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