I just pynch a tree in the face
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Dick very happy bro
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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