goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize