Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
