You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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