Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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