My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
where am i from again
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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