nut hugger
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize