Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
