I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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