if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
