I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
