you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
