i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
