I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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