I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
