you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I can't turn off my feet"
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
