I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
