Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I need to sanitize my soul.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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