goodnight i made you a song goodbye
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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