I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
