You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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