this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
