just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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