My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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