Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
