forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
