thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm getting married
To pizza
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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