Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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