Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
