What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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