Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Randomize
