Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
