he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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