dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
