Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
