Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
