It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
