I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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