my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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