just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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