You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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