I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
