just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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