i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
