sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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