I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
