yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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