I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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