this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
