just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
