It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
