so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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