I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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