Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
